This is something I just have to put on here because when you move on to bigger and better things, it's always good to remember where you were before and how you came to be you. So I'm listing something I wrote to someone that used to be important in my life, and even tho we were not together, my heart was still with hers.

A thousand "I Love You's" would never be enough to describe the way I feel for you. Even though we have had our ups and downs, my heart has never parted with yours. Today I wanna let my heart speak on behalf of myself if u don't mind...And my heat wants to tell you this-
You mean more to me than anything in this world. When you cry, I crumble inside. When you laugh, I am filled with joy and smiles. When you hurt, I feel your pain. When you take a step, I am close behind. When you think there is no one else, I am who you should call. When the world is judging you with a cruel heart, I'll be your strength. When you feel like giving up, I'll be your faith when it's gone....
And when I hand you this ring, a promise goes along with it. A promise from the deep in the depths of my soul. I, Veronica Waynette, take you as my first and only soulmate. I promise to always love you from this day forth, and be there when you need a shoulder to lean on, and a body next to yours. I promise to never forget all the good times we've shared together. I promise if ever you need me, I will come running. And I promise if you ever decide to give me another chance in the future, I will not take you for granted. I will be more open to your thoughts and ideas, even when you don't agree with mine. I will spoil you with unconditional love every single day we share together. I promise to always keep you first in my heart. No matter who I end up with, I promise if you wanna be with me, I will drop whoever I am with and be with only you. J*******, about all, I promise you to seek help with my temper. And if ever we feel a negative vibe, I promise I will always remember this day and all the promises I have made to you. Above all else....I promise right now that I Love You.
April 28th, 2009

Blood is the key element of life. Without blood there is nothing beating thru your heart.
Blood keeps you warm on the coldest of nights when ur body is weak.
Blood is so many colors of red yet it all works the same.
When blood is shed you feel the hurt, watching it seep from your pores.
Blood drops are so small, yet there is such a multitude of it.
Water is a key element of life. Without water, you will surely thirst to death.
Warm water can keep you warm on the coldest of nights when ur body is weak.
Water is so many colors, yet it all works the same.
When water is shed, you feel hot, watching it seeps from your pores.
Water drops are so small, yet there is such a multitude of it.
So u ask what is the difference if these two things are essential to life?
One you can live longer without......Blood is always thicker than water.
When it comes down to your survival you must balance your options and see which is going to be more prosperous to you in the end.
Water will absorb and be gone when u turn on the heat.
Blood will just change to a fine dust when u turn on the heat, but it will remain there.
We go thru changes in life with ourselves and our families, and we seems to let the unimportant things take over our lives. Then when the heat is turned up and troubles come around, people evaporate like water.
Whether they abuse you, mistreat you, disown you, or leave you alone in this world and go on to another place, the reality is that they do go.
Blood will never leave your side.
Even when you have trials and trivilations, your family is always going to be your family.
When they are dead on gone, they will still be your blood no matter what.
So u ask what is the difference if these two things are essential to life?
One you can live longer without......Blood is always thicker than water.

All I could do was cry when I first came out of my mother's womb,
eyes still closed, trying to look around the room.
All I could do was cry when my greatgrandmother left me here,
left me here with a beating heart and a river full of tears.
All I could do was cry when they lowered her in the grave.
So many things I would give just to see her another day.
All I could do was cry when my body could take no more pain,
when belts, brooms, and extention cords all felt the same.
In This Order Bottom To Top, Are What I Wish I Could Change.

All I could do was lay there and cry, when I let my body go,
to a man tall as a bear and strong as an ox, for a 4 minute show.
All I could do is cry and cry when the anger got so deep,
slamming my girlfriend's head in the wall and chasing her down the street.
All I did was cry and cry, sometimes with no reason at all.
Sitting on the bathroom floor in a corner against the wall.
Going from the nicest person in the room, to the meanest u could ever see,
and all because I still can't shake everything that's happened to me.
In This Order Bottom To Top, Are What I Wish I Could Change.

All I can do is cry now, until my eyes are swollen closed.
Cuz I don't have anyone to turn to, don't have anywhere to go.
All I can do is cry and stare at my pictures on the wall.
How I used to be her one and only, how i used to have it all.
I would give anything to leave this day and climb back in the frames,
cuz i know those where the days when the love was so strong, now it's not the same.
All I can do is break down and cry while my family falls apart.
Speaking words of fire to each other. Oh, how it breaks my heart.
All I can do is cry sometimes, cuz my grandmother doesn't care to live.
She doesn't care to be by myside when I have my first kid.
In This Order Bottom To Top, Are What I Wish I Could Change.

All I can do is close my eyes and wish it all away.
I wish I could repeat my life and live it another way.
This family situation keeps me do depressed.
All I do is drink and drink to deal with the stress.
And I feel so awful because out of my 22 years here,
of all the "friends" that leaned on MY shoulder, not one of them are here.
They will hop across town or skip the cities to tell me how THEY feel.
And all the while when i'm ready to talk, the world is standing still.
Nobody breaks their neck to move, not everyone moves at once, if at all
nobody has an hour to give, even in a phone call.
The word keeps me angry when I think of all these feelings I have inside.
So I'm telling you that all I can do, is sit in my room and cry.

 

 

The last page read the final words, bid the farewells, and spoke the last goodbyes. With love and with respect I close the book and return to the sender. Thanks for allowing me time to share memories and gain a stronger sense of knowlege as to what I am looking for in my life. It's amazing how someone can possess all of the qualities you need and more, than you sit back and slowly watch them fade away. Its almost like reading a story over and over again, memorizing the words, yet, you drop the book in acid and watch it waste away. In your heart, you will always remember what was there, but it's just not in front of your face visually. Love works the same way in my eyes. You try to preserve what is left, but when a person has a certain image about you, it's hard to redeem any points you have lost along the way. Lets say, Bush was a great president at first, but after he allow our country to drive into the ground, it's fair to quote he would never be elected as president again. For those of you reading this, I would also like to say if you have come to the end of your chapter with a certain person in your life, dont dispose of the book of memories. Simply hang it back on the shelf and pick up a book you have already started reading. It's not worth it to continue to keep starting new books and new chapters. What happens is that everything becomes to confusing in your life. You start mixing stories together and missing the big picture. These are my thoughts and concerns regarding relationships.....its just easier to relate to books lol. Good luck.

What do you say when your heart is done talking and the words refuse to come out anymore?
Do you just say the first things that come to your mind, or do you just leave so much untold?
Do you answer the questions being asked of you, or just smile and let the last words go unspoken?
Do you continue to love, do you learn how to forget?
Do you try again and hope for the best?
What do you say if your soul is withered and torn? Shrunked like a plum laying in the sun that has now become a shriveled prune.
How do you begin to let go of what you used to cherish the most?
How do you lose a love in your life and get it back?
How do you say "I Love You" again but have a deeper meaning?
What do you say when "I Love You" is not enough anymore and you have confessed your heart and thoughts?

Ronnie Murray: What do you say when you have been through it before and you already know what's going on? Do you tell them you know what they are doing to you, or do you really not compare one person to another?
Is it right? Is it fair? Is it gone? Is it there?
How do you tell your heart not to love without breaking it once again?
What do you say to yourself if you feel right now you can't be friends?
How do you run away without running away?
Do you just look at the situation a different way?
Do you trust your deepest thoughts, or just leave life to live to be better off?
What do you do when there are no rules? When you feel like you are being played the fool?
When the world looks at you like you are beneath there feet?

Ronnie Murray: Do you talk back or even try to compete?
Do you turn your back and walk away, and continue to live another day?
Or defend your life cuz only you know, the things you been thru and how you've had to grow.
Who do you ask to get answers to your thoughts?......
Is being alone the way? Are you better off?
I'll rest my thoughts tonight as I sleep
and pray to the Lord to hold my peace.
The final questions I have inside
is why did I choose to live a lie?
Why did I let go of what could never be replaced?
Knowing the feelings I have would never erase.
The will never leave and never die.....
What do you say to all these questions inside?
12/15 @ 11:18 PM

Why am I dealing with this pain?
It's so much easier to walk away then to keep putting my heart on the line to be walked all over.
Listen to me when I say I know I am in love but I have the power to fight it.
I have done this more than a dozen times when I fear trouble brewing.
But I wanted to tough this one out just this once, to prove to myself that I am not afraid of love.
So I am so confused.
The excuses are there for me to go, but my guilt for myself is what makes me stay.
I don't want to keep going around and around in circles, so why am I dealing with this pain?
What if I stay and waste my life?
What if I leave, and it was not right?
What if I stick around and fight?
Seems like two hearts are not worth nearly the price.
It's something I think about everyday.
Whether I should quietly leave, or continue to stay.
My heart is so heavy,and I pray and pray
that my Lord will eventually show me the way.
"I love him" "...it will take some time" .."have patience" is all she can repeat.
Like she needs to have time to get on her feet.
I trust and I love so i continue to hear,
she talks about having her own home next year.
Why doubt my lady love, she has not lied to me yet?
Until I figure out he is involved in the picture, and much less,
my role is smaller than what she tells me here lately.
And I have been by her side ever so faithfully.
So you tell me my friend, that my feelings are wrong...
and I should stay around and refuse to move on.
Life is not easy and I know I must fight for everything I want: jobs, money, love, and everything else that falls in this fate.
But I will not sell my pride to benefit financially, or morally.
If this is not what I need to be doing, I will seize and carry on my life elsewhere away from everything.
I have removed my pictures that remind me of the happiness I thought I would have.
I feel so violated and used and these are the feelings that follow behind when I look into her eyes.
There is NO WAY our future would be healthy and this I know.
The lies, the deciet, the lust that is not love, is all just based on temptations.
But listen, I am not crazy reader. I am simply getting smarter and smarter from experience.
In order to love you must go through heart breaks and place it in the past to move on.
That is what I must do to survive.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I just have things on my mind I need to release:
I feel.....
I feel like you are not being honest with me.
I feel like I am pulling away for you and I have reason.
I feel like we have no future together on your behalf.
I feel like you will do me like you did him.
I feel like you tell him things to make him stay.
I feel like you tell me things to make me stay.
I feel like you are playing games with my heart, knowing you will never leave.
I feel like you can't be alone.
I feel like you are using those around you.
I feel like you will always need attention and no one can have you to themselves.
I feel stupid.
I feel like I should not be putting my trust in you.
I feel like you are in love with him, and trying to love me.
I know you will not leave him because he is easy for you to control. I am not the same way. I have a backbone and don't tolerate a lot of things.
I feel like you need to stay in your marriage and talk your way through the rest of it like you have been doing.
I would feel free if you were just honest with me and would confirm some of the things I know are true.
I am unsure of what to do but I am not unsure of my feelings for you.
I feel bad that we have endured in this relationship and I no longer have the faith I once had.
No matter how much I try to hide it, my anger burns through my smile and causes me to not want to be around you.
My mind is over you, but my heart wants to stay.
Reader, please realize that this should be a learning experience before you even go through it.
If someone really loves you and wants to be with you, they will show you indefinitely without your verbal or physical cues.
I have upheld a small part of that task, but I am at a point where I am undecided if I want to continue to try.
There is only one solution that I am looking for but it is out of question.
I realize it takes time to end a marriage and put efforts into a new relationship, but once you try to juggle both, you end up lying to everyone including yourself. It hurts so bad to love them both and you try to keep all happy by telling them what they want to hear.
It's a dangerous game that ends up dying out and leaving you without anyone at all.
Don't play it. Don't be around it. Don't condone it.
Thank you for taking the time to browse through my thoughts once again.

The feelings are not there anymore.
I can't seem to understand what she keeps doing this for.
It's easier to break my heart just once, so it can mend.
We don't have to be lovers, we can just be friends.
With time, all of this drama will be left in the past.
We could move on with our lives and never look back.
All the time spent is something no one can touch,
Guess the thought of you and me was just too much.
Thank you for loving me, and showing me the world.
Guess you were meant to be with your man,-and I, the lonely girl.

You are my everything. I love you so much. I have a lot of things going on and I try to show you through all my pain and tears that I deal with that I love you. I know I am not the only person that cares about you in your life, but I do what I can to make you happy, to see the kids when I get off from work and play with them while they are in bed and continue to love all of you. I hate when we have these misunderstandings. It seems like it is only when I say something and you don't understand what I mean. I am sorry that I am unable to communicate with you the way I mean things most times. You mean so much to me. I wake up everyday loving you and wondering if this will be the day we can be together forever. I have big dreams, and so do you, and will take a little time to get to those but we both can't do everything on our own. I am not leaving. Much as I want to just give up sometimes and walk away, I can't because I know we have more good times to share
as a family, as friends, and as lovers. You are what makes me smile every day, even when my night is lonely and cold. I love you so much, I really do. And there is nothing anyone can say or do to take that anyway from me. I am doing my best to work on my temper and my word choice.....I know you didn't know me before but I have grown so much and matured so much as well. Hang in there baby, and I will come around and show you in the end why you are not making a mistake by loving me. It's all a matter of time, I promise. Have a great day knowing you are always on my mind and I love all of you so very much forever. You all have a place in my heart. Your's forever, Ronnie.

        I come to you today with a troubled spirit. I don't know where to begin but I have to tell you what's on my heart. I'm at my lowest point, Lord, and I don't think I can make it. I can't get back up to stand on my own two feet again. God, I have done so much wrong in my life for reasons I do not know. I can't explain why I do things sometimes, but right now I can't let it go. My sprit is so disturbed. I feel lost, and hopeless.
       Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you today asking for your forgiveness. Forgive me Father for the things I have done in favor of myself alone, with no regards for others. Lord, I ask that you touch my heart so that I may see my mistakes. Only your gentle touch and precious blood can wash away my sins so that I may be free from this sprit that has me bound in this sinful life. A life of adultry, broken hearts, and separated families. I also pray that you ease my pain, Lord, a pain in which I can not see on me, but feel in me. The mirror shows me for who I am not. God, forgive me, as I am all I know. My body is in chains and shackels, ever so tightly. I am weak from trying to break free. I feel like I am at my lowest point and want to give up and give in. Release me please, and set me free. Show me the way to go and how to be. This world is too heavy on my aching back.

I don't want to lose this relationship. So we gotta stay strong. Don't wanna move on. I know you sick and tired of the fussin', and the fighting, and the cussing. But I love you, and you love me too. I did you wrong, you did me wrong. I'll take you back. You'll take me back. I did you wrong. You did me wrong. I'll talke you back, I'll take you back. No matter what you do, no matter what you say. No matter how far you go, don't take your love away. Becuase I love you, and girl and girl I need you, and girl i want you so let's just work it out...